Belief in one’s ability to grow is a powerful force, yet setbacks can cause that belief to waver over time. At six, Oliver couldn’t zip his coat. Despite his coordination and strength, the task became a symbol of frustration. “I can’t do it,” he’d say, standing still and waiting for someone else to step in. His parents tried everything—encouragement, rewards, even frustration. However, the moment the zipper got stuck, he would drop his hands and back away.
The truth was Oliver could do it. He had the coordination. He had the strength. However, after struggling repeatedly and having an adult step in, he started to feel like his effort didn’t matter—someone would always be there to help.
This is learned helplessness. It happens when repeated setbacks or constant help make a person stop trying because they feel their efforts won’t matter. For children and teenagers with disabilities, this pattern can take hold quickly.
When Trying Feels Futile
Struggling over and over without success can take a toll. Learned helplessness develops when repeated efforts don’t seem to make a difference. When every attempt ends in frustration or someone stepping in to help, a discouraging thought can take hold: “Maybe I’m not capable”. Over time, that doubt can deepen, making it easy to believe: “I can’t do this on my own“.
As this belief takes hold, it can become more limiting than the challenge itself. Children and teenagers may stop trying, not from a lack of desire, but from the growing sense that their effort will not make a difference. This pattern can take shape in many areas of life, especially when frustration outweighs success.
Social Situations
This sense of helplessness doesn’t just affect academic tasks—it can also influence social situations, where the fear of failure often overshadows the desire to try. Some children struggle with social interactions due to conditions that affect communication and engagement.
Anxiety disorders can create persistent fear or worry that interferes with daily activities. Autism, a developmental condition, can impact social interaction and communication. Speech disorders, such as selective mutism, may prevent a child from speaking in certain situations. When others always step in, these children miss the opportunity to practice and build confidence.
For example, an 11-year-old with selective mutism stays silent in class because classmates and teachers speak for her. Each time this happens, she becomes more convinced she can’t do it herself.
Similarly, a 14-year-old with autism avoids ordering food at restaurants. If his parents always place the order, he never gets the chance to develop his social skills and gain confidence in these situations.
What Helps:
Provide supportive opportunities to practice. A child with selective mutism might begin by pointing to an item at a familiar café instead of speaking. Practicing at home through role-play can help build confidence before trying in real-life situations. Rehearsing simple scenarios, like ordering food, allows them to feel more prepared.
School Struggles
Children with learning disabilities may face ongoing challenges in school. Dyslexia can make reading more difficult. Dyscalculia can affect how they understand math. Dysgraphia may create struggles with writing.
Without supportive strategies to help them work through these difficulties, frustration can build. Over time, they may begin to feel that school is simply too hard for them.
For instance, a 9-year-old with dyslexia may hesitate to try reading if she is always offered an alternative instead. If someone reads to her instead of helping her sound out words, she may start to believe that reading is something she simply cannot do.
Similarly, a 16-year-old who found math tests difficult in middle school now hesitates to attempt problems, thinking, “I’m just not good at math.” Each past challenge adds to his uncertainty about trying.
What Helps:
Shift the focus from perfection to progress. A child with dyslexia can gain confidence by pairing an audio-book with visual reading, reinforcing comprehension without frustration. A teen struggling with math might find concepts more engaging through real-world applications. Budgeting for a game or tracking steps during a walk strengthens practical skills and builds confidence.
Daily Tasks
Children with motor delays, such as difficulties with coordination and dexterity, or challenges with executive function, including issues with planning, organization, and self-regulation, may struggle with everyday responsibilities. ADHD, which impacts focus, impulse control, and task completion, can also contribute to these struggles.
When others consistently step in to help, these children miss crucial opportunities to build independence and confidence. For example, a 7-year-old with fine motor delays might struggle with tying his shoes and quickly become discouraged.
His mother, noticing his difficulty, steps in and ties them for him, as it’s faster and easier. With each instance, the child begins to believe that he is unable to do it on his own, further hindering his confidence and independence.
In a similar situation, a 19-year-old with ADHD may never take the initiative to schedule his own doctor’s appointments. He has always relied on someone else, like a parent or friend, to manage this task for him. As a result, when he eventually needs to handle it himself, he feels uncertain and unprepared, unsure of how to navigate the process on his own.
What Helps:
Break tasks into smaller steps and offer guidance instead of completing the task for them. For instance, a child struggling with shoe-tying can focus on one step at a time, perhaps practicing looping the laces today and tying the knot tomorrow. Similarly, a teen with ADHD can start by scheduling one appointment together, gradually taking on the next one independently.
Small Steps, Steady Growth
The goal isn’t to push harder. It is about creating achievable milestones, meaningful challenges, and real responsibility so individuals can experience their own capability.
For young children, brief struggles help them see that effort leads to progress. If a 6-year-old cannot zip a coat, offer guidance: “You hold the bottom, and I will help line up the zipper.” Small responsibilities like pouring juice, feeding a pet, or setting the table reinforce their ability to contribute.
For tweens and teens, shifting their mindset is key. When a child says, “I’m bad at math,” re-frame it: “You’re still learning. I used to struggle with fractions too, but I got better with practice.” Connecting skills to their interests makes learning feel more natural. A child who enjoys video games might be more engaged in writing if it connects to game design or storytelling.
For older teens and young adults, real-world problem-solving builds independence. Instead of stepping in with solutions, ask, “What’s your plan?” Managing a budget, scheduling doctor’s appointments, or applying for jobs all build confidence. If organization is a challenge, let them try different systems instead of enforcing a planner.
The Role of Executive Function
Many children and teens with ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities face executive function challenges, making tasks like organization, time management, and self-regulation feel overwhelming. These difficulties can reinforce the belief that they are unable to manage life’s demands.
For a teen struggling with assignments, simply saying, “Use a planner,” isn’t enough. If they don’t know how to use one effectively, it won’t be helpful. Instead, ask, “What system could help you remember due dates?” This allows them the freedom to experiment and find what works best.
Shifting from helping to coaching is key. Rather than fixing problems, ask questions that promote self-reflection, like, “What would you do differently next time?” This encourages them to view mistakes as learning opportunities, not failures.
Building the Belief That Growth Is Possible
Learned helplessness isn’t about ability—it’s about belief. Belief is shaped by experience.
Struggle, when balanced, teaches children that problems are solvable. A child needs real opportunities to take charge, make mistakes, and try again. Without these, confidence remains stagnant.
Independence doesn’t happen overnight. It is built through trial, error, and persistence. Every success reshapes the belief that effort matters, challenges can be overcome, and they are capable.
The most powerful lesson isn’t about achieving success without struggle. It is about determination and perseverance—the ability to face challenges, learn from mistakes, and to keep moving forward. This is how belief in growth transforms ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can.’
