The Language of Respect: How Thoughtful Choices Make a Difference

Have you ever paused mid-conversation, unsure of what to say next? It’s a moment many of us have experienced, whether due to uncertainty or fear of saying the wrong thing. Now, imagine this scenario with someone who has a disability. How do you approach the situation without inadvertently making things uncomfortable? If this resonates, you are not alone.

These moments happen more often than many realize. Disability isn’t something people often think about until they face it directly. In potential moments of uncertainty, they might freeze, stumble over their words, or even avoid the situation entirely. This happens frequently—someone talks to the person with me instead of me, or assumes they know what I need without asking.

A lot of this comes from good intentions. Most people genuinely want to show respect, but their uncertainty can make things feel awkward. What I—and many others with disabilities—really want isn’t pity or awkward praise. We simply want to be treated like anyone else.

Ultimately, it is not about following a set of rules. Instead, it is about making small and mindful choices: choosing to ask instead of assuming, and respecting personal space.

Embracing a “People First, Labels Second” approach ensures that we respect individuals for who they are, not by their disabilities. Here are some simple tips to help foster a more inclusive and respectful environment for everyone:

People First, Labels Second

Focus on the individual, not their disability.

Treat people as individuals—not as their disability. Focus on the person, not their condition, recognizing their identity beyond their disability. For example, if you’re a chef, you wouldn’t want to be called “that cooking person,” as if your job defined your entire identity. Similarly, referring to someone as “a person with a disability” focuses on them as individuals rather than on their condition.

Ask, Don’t Assume

Respect unique abilities by seeking understanding.

Each person’s abilities are different, and assumptions based on limited information can be misleading. For example, if someone assumed you couldn’t swim simply because they’ve never seen you in the water, it would feel unfair. Disabilities vary greatly, and everyone has their own individual experience with them.

Disabilities come in many different forms, and each person’s experience is unique. To better understand and support others, consider asking open-ended questions like, “What works best for you?” or “How can I make this easier for you?”

Always Ask Before Offering Help

Respect independence by seeking consent.

Honor independence by requesting permission before offering assistance. Offering help is thoughtful. However, taking action without asking first can sometimes cause unintended harm. For instance, imagine someone with a mobility challenge trying to open a door. If another person steps in to push the door without checking first, it could throw them off balance or disrupt their efforts. While the intention is kind, this unexpected assistance might startle or unsteady them. Asking first ensures that your support is both wanted and genuinely helpful.

Respect Personal Space

Treat assistive devices as personal belongings.

Please respect assistive devices as personal items and only touch them if invited. Assistive devices are part of someone’s personal space, similar to a purse or backpack, and should not be touched without permission.

Avoid leaning on a wheelchair, handling a cane, or interacting with a service animal unless invited. These devices should be respected as extensions of the person’s autonomy.

Speak Directly to the Person

Engage with individuals, not their companions.

Speak directly to the individual, not their companion or interpreter. This demonstrates respect and ensures the person feels included in the conversation. At a restaurant, for example, it is dismissive and isolating when the server talks only to a friend about the meal.

Whether someone uses a communication device, sign language, or support from a caregiver, making eye contact and speaking directly to them shows respect, consideration, and inclusion.

Be Patient with Communication

Allow time for individuals to express themselves fully.

Give individuals time to express themselves and ask for clarification if needed. Communication takes many forms, and it’s important to give people the time they need to express themselves without rushing or interrupting.

Resist the urge to finish sentences or fill in pauses. If something isn’t clear, it’s okay to politely ask for clarification—asking is always better than making assumptions.

Don’t Overpraise or Patronize

Celebrate achievements genuinely without overemphasis.

Celebrate achievements sincerely, but avoid overemphasizing everyday tasks to keep things respectful and natural. Everyday actions don’t typically call for applause.

For example, imagine clapping for making a cup of coffee or answering the phone—it might feel out of place. Or consider applauding someone for picking up groceries—it would seem more awkward than supportive.

While celebrating milestones is meaningful, treating routine tasks as part of daily life helps maintain respect and avoids making someone feel singled out.

Avoid Pity

Promote equity by avoiding pitying remarks.

Foster equity by showing recognition and appreciation, rather than pity. Pity doesn’t create empowerment; equity does. For instance, telling someone, “You’re so brave to be here today,” can sometimes feel unintentionally uncomfortable. A more supportive approach might be recognizing their presence with a simple, “I’m glad to see you today.”

Instead of focusing on courage, you might say, “It’s great to see you so engaged.” Acknowledging their efforts by saying, “I admire how you’re always prepared,” fosters empowerment without making them feel singled out.

Be Aware of Accessible Environments

Ensure spaces are inclusive and accessible to all.

Accessibility ensures everyone can participate by providing easy access. Imagine being invited to a party but finding the only entrance is locked, with no way in—that’s how inaccessible spaces can feel.

Check for features like ramps, wide pathways, and accessible seating to ensure everyone can comfortably enter and move around. Also, be mindful not to block parking spaces or restrooms designated for accessibility, as they play a crucial role in helping others feel included.

Respect Service Animals

Understand that service animals are working, not pets.


Service animals are on duty, so please ask the owner before interacting with them. Service animals aren’t pets—they are working. Distracting them is like interrupting someone on the job.

Avoid petting, feeding, or calling out to a service animal. If you want to interact, always ask the owner first.

Mind Your Words

Use respectful and appropriate language at all times.

Language can uplift or harm, so using respectful terms and asking for preferences shows thoughtfulness and respect. Terms like “accessible parking” are respectful, while outdated ones like “crippled” or “suffering from” are not.

If you’re unsure, simply ask, “What terms do you prefer?” Thoughtful word choices are key to showing respect.

Don’t Stare or Ask Intrusive Questions

Maintain privacy and respect personal boundaries.

Respect privacy by avoiding intrusive questions and treating others with the consideration you would expect yourself. Curiosity is natural, but it’s important to express it with respect. For example, imagine someone staring at your shoes or asking, “Why is your hair like that?”—it can and would be uncomfortable.

Consider someone inquiring about your personal challenges in a way that feels too intrusive, like asking, “What’s wrong with you?” Focus on meaningful, respectful conversations that don’t invade personal space. Treating others with the same consideration and respect one would expect for themselves helps foster a more positive and inclusive atmosphere.

Don’t Assume All Disabilities Are Visible

Acknowledge that many disabilities are hidden yet significant.

Not all disabilities are visible, so it’s important to be thoughtful, support accommodations, and avoid dismissive comments. Disabilities, such as chronic pain or mental health conditions, aren’t always visible. Think of an iceberg—most of it is hidden, yet it’s still significant.

Avoid comments like “You don’t look disabled,” as they can feel dismissive of someone’s experience. Similarly, never question someone’s need for accommodations, as those adjustments are important for supporting their full participation.

Educate Yourself

Commit to continuous learning to support and foster inclusion.

Support inclusion by continuously learning through resources that expand knowledge and awareness. Learning about disabilities is like mastering a new skill—the more knowledge you gain, the better prepared you become.

For instance, you might read books or articles written by individuals with disabilities to gain insight into their experiences. Listening to podcasts, attending panels, or even taking courses on accessibility and inclusion can broaden your perspective and help you support others as an empathetic and effective ally.

Conclusion: The Small Things Matter

Meaningful interaction relies on empathy, respect, and clear communication. A “People First, Labels Second” approach shifts the focus to the individual, recognizing their unique experiences. Simple actions—asking rather than assuming, respecting boundaries, speaking directly, and listening with intention, can make conversations and interactions more natural and respectful.

Ensuring accessibility, understanding the role of service animals, and being open to learning are practical ways to promote equity and show respect. Small, intentional choices build stronger connections and create an environment where everyone feels valued.

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